America's 250th birthday should make for a very momentous Independence Day this year. I would list all of the performers slated to perform at the semiquincentennial at the Capitol, but acts keep dropping. Plenty of local celebrations should still suffice. Unfortunately, no one really knows what you're supposed to do to mark a quarter-millennium. Apart from oak trees, Greenland sharks and the occasional nation, what else ever makes it to 250? The only thing I'm certain of is that there will be Fourth of July fireworks. We'll return to that topic in a moment, but first, it's worth noting that other sorts of fireworks are popping up all over the news.

Metaphorical Fireworks, SCV Adjacent
When news of an overheating industrial facility in Garden Grove came on the news, everyone feared that a very unwelcome sort of fireworks would be exploding. Luckily, GKN Aerospace's huge tank of methyl methacrylate released building heat and pressure before any more major catastrophe happened. But the tens of thousands of Orange County residents who were forced to evacuate because of the incident have certainly not forgotten what happened. Now, class-action lawsuits, confusing insurance and reimbursement claims and calls to keep industrial chemicals away from communities have all begun. At least that's better than tragedy.
Fireworks of the gastrointestinal sort (Both ends.) were a concern in the Angeles National Forest, just east of the SCV. Cases came from hikers on the Pacific Crest Trail, which winds over 2,600 miles from the Mexican border to the Canadian border. Dozens had caught norovirus, which is very contagious and has symptoms similar to traditional food poisoning. The trail and its hikers come close to Santa Clarita when they pass through a tunnel under the 14 freeway to reach Vasquez Rocks. It's worth a visit, but if you're going now, you might want to pack some extra hand sanitizer.

Metaphorical Fireworks, SCV Proper
It might have sounded like fireworks, but a major accident on Golden Valley Road was far more damaging. A city bus, a semi-truck full of gravel and a couple of cars all collided at an intersection along Golden Valley Road. Law enforcement reported that the gravel truck had tried to turn as it approached a red light, but crashed in the process. At least 13 people were injured and traffic was re-routed for hours.
Though much smaller than gravel trucks, e-bikes are a growing concern for causing accidents and mayhem, too. These electric bikes can reach high speeds and are increasingly ridden by teens through pedestrian areas like paths, shopping centers and neighborhoods. Numerous residents have been making comments at city council meetings, noting that problems continue even after the city put up signs and made efforts to improve safety. In a Santa Clarita Reddit post, user Pioneer7765 supported doing more: "It's not purse clutching when 15 to 20 junior high schoolers gather in Granary Square parking lot and then, like a swarm of hornets, zoom onto the paseo en masse." In Orange County, a veteran was allegedly killed when a teen struck him with his e-bike, so concern is warranted.

Fourth of July Fireworks
As someone who has been alive for about 16 percent of America's history as a nation, I've seen my fair share of Fourth of July festivities in Santa Clarita. The annual parade remains the quintessential tradition, and of all the years I have attended, I would rank 2019 as the best. It was a time just before we knew what coronavirus was, horses were still allowed to march (They're now banned.), and the Ridgecrest Earthquake jolted everyone for a few seconds, so the crowd was far more awake and lively than usual. For more information on this year's parade, you can visit scvparade.com, which boasts what looks like an AI fever-dream of an astronaut, revolutionary drummers, a looksmaxxed Abraham Lincoln and, of course, fireworks.
In addition to the parade, fireworks are mandatory, and the city will put on a show at Valencia Town Center at 9:20. If anyone tells you a good spot to park and watch, don't believe them: no one reveals their hard-won secrets. In between the parade and fireworks, I hope that your semiquincentennial (I had to use that word one more time.) gatherings give you ample reason to heart your family, your fellow Americans and the SCV.
This column is intended as satire and a (sometimes successful) attempt at humor. Suggestions and catty comments intended for the author can be e-mailed to iheartscv@insidescv.com.