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As a Manner of Fact
When PDAs Go Wrong - A List of "Don't Do's" for Teens and those that Act Like Them
May, 2005 - Issue #7
What do you know about PDAs? People now-a-days think of the little handheld devices that you organize and store information, but I'm not talking about mini-computers. No, I'm referring to Public Displays of Affection. As a young woman, I expressed affection for my suitors by (gasp) holding hands in public, and when I just couldn't contain myself, I'd settle for a brief embrace and chaste kiss. How sad that those days are now gone.

So often I am tempted to change the accepted terminology of PDAs to PDGGs: Public Displays of Grotesque Groping. I'm not exactly sure as to who I would go to in order to have the acronym altered, but I think it's worth the effort. The change would acknowledge the difference between "affection" and "groping" nicely, I believe.

PDGG's exist all over our valley - at our mall, our shopping centers, movie theaters, schools and neighborhoods. And while I could most easily point the finger at the teens of Santa Clarita, that would be unfair. I see young adults and even folks old enough to celebrate a birthday with black balloons partaking in public grab-fests.

When complaining about my most recent run-in with PDGGs (at an ice cream parlor, which only added to my inability to properly digest dairy), my friends brought out an interesting perspective: Where does one draw the line? Is a kiss of any type bad? Probably not, unless the participants aren't yet in puberty. An embrace should be permissible, as long as no type of Elvis-like pelvis rotations are being executed. You get the picture...

To perform our civic duty, we communally developed a set of rules to help potential PDGGs avoid accusations of improper social behavior:
  1. If your kissing requires your tongue to be anywhere but inside your own mouth, it is a PDGG.

  2. If your kissing makes noise, besides the acceptable final "smack" that comes when closed lips belonging to different people part ways, it is a PDGG.

  3. If you are past the age of 7 and are sitting in a lap that is not your own, it is a PDGG.

  4. If your hand is stuffed down the back of someone's pants, and it is not to rescue that person from a bite from a frisky tropical snake, it is a PDGG.

  5. If your kissing requires that you dry your face afterwards, it is a PDGG.

  6. If you are straddling another mammal, and that mammal is not a horse, it is a PDGG.

  7. If your hand is cupping any round part of another's anatomy, and the purpose is not to stop blood flow to a mortal injury, it is a PDGG.

  8. If your kissing is not restricted to parts of the face or the top of the hand, it is a PDGG.

  9. If your vital reproductive parts are pressed together (and worse, moving) during an embrace, it is a PDGG.
Some folks have problems with restrictions, and to them I have one answer. Go ahead and participate in your PDGGs, but don't be angry when a kid yells at you to "Get a room!" or a mother situates her children so that the young don't have to be exposed to your loving ways.

I'm not an uptight granny whose life has been devoid of love and passion. I know how wonderful it can be to physically share your affection with another, but isn't that the difference? Sharing it with one person makes it special; sharing it with everyone within sight makes you a circus sideshow.
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