As a Manner of Fact
Holiday Festivities: A Song Book
November, 2005 - Issue #13
Like the insipid tune, "Where Have All the Flowers Gone?" that played in the background of my youth, I more recently find my self humming to the melody of, "Where Have All Your Manners Gone, You Ignorant Fool?" and the new take on an old favorite, "Your Parents Would be Ashamed, God Bless their Souls" (remix version). Like a Country singer with a missing dog, I've found that translating my woes into music can be very therapeutic.
As a service to the public, I've created a soundtrack of sorts that can be used at any variety of festive occasions. Here's a sample:

For the Office Party
"This Company Makes Millions and All I got for Christmas was this Crappy Meal"
"John, Did You Spike the Punch? You're Slurring" (duet)
"We All Know You're Sleeping Together, Just Admit It"
"The Boss is Sloshed" (rap mix)
"Why Oh Why won't She Wear a Bra?" (show tune style)
"Grab a Drink, Not my Rear"
"Sitting on Santa's Lap makes Me Feel Weird, Especially when it's Bob from Accounting"
"Oh, God - My Boss is Spitting on Me/The Boss is Sloshed" (reprise)

For Holiday Shopping
"My Feet are Sore, Too, But that Doesn't Make It OK to Soak Them in the Fountain" (medley)
"Don't Buy that Cashmere Sweater if You can't Afford Deodorant"
"So this is Why Internet Shopping is so Popular"

For Dinner with the In-laws
"No, I don't Think the Turkey is Cold (You Are)" (dance mix)
"I have No Intention of Redecorating, You Meddling She-Beast"
"No, I haven't Gained Weight, but Thanks for Asking"
"Why Must You Come Every Year?" (blues version)
"I'm Sorry your Husband Left You, Now Please Pass the Cranberry Sauce"
"No More Wine for You" (a cappella)
"Honey, Please Make them Leave"
"You're Thankful for Health/I'm Thankful You Live in New Jersey"

When You're Stuck at the Kids' Table
"Cut your Meat, Not the Cheese"
"I don't Think Your Mom Said You Could have a Beer"
"I don't Care if She Touched You"

Like any good therapy groupie would tell you, it's much easier to change your reaction to a situation than try to change the situation itself. Even this old biddy knows when to keep her trap shut, and if ever there's a time for silence, it's at holiday gatherings. So sing on, my lovelies, but do so in traditional Judith style: Under your breath.


When Judith's not penning catty articles, she's... Oh, actually, that's pretty much all she does. Contact her at
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