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As a Manner of Fact
New Year's Resolutions for Us All
January, 2006 - Issue #15
Hello. My name is Judith, and I'm a resolution maker. Like the rest of the resolution addicts out there, I love lists. In fact, the only thing I love more than lists is pointing out the flaws of others. As a holiday gift to myself, I've combined the two. Here, a divine anthology of faux pas committed by SCVians in 2005.

Resolution #1: If you get drunk and pee on a public toilet seat at a fancy event, don't blame it on the person that vacated the stall before you - especially if the person in there before you was the cleaning lady who declared the stall "all clean" before you stumbled in.

Resolution #2: Avoid major lawsuits by ditching the "It's my birthday! Kiss me!" pin at work, and then asking your subordinates if they saw your pin.

Resolution #3: Whenever possible, wear underwear.

Resolution #4: Do not, under any circumstances, forward e-mails containing pictures of: two kitties "hugging," Krispy Kreme pinup models, ducks crossing the road, or Scottish men wearing kilts during a windstorm.

Resolution #5: Realize that a public announcement about how you purchased new breasts "as a gift to yourself" is an over-share, especially if you are referring to the breasts of your spouse.

Resolution #6: Back to the e-mail issue for a second... Don't forward those, "Send this to five friends, including the person that sent it to you" missives. Your sad attempt to confirm that there are people who like you will likely render you responseless.

Resolution #7: When in doubt, wear a bra. Especially to church. God loves you the way you are, but those kids in the pew next to you aren't snickering because of the homily, I promise.

Resolution #8: Speaking of church, turn the cell phone off. Yes, some people do "get the call" in the house of God, but it probably won't be accompanied with a "Drop it Like it's Hot" ring tone.

Resolution #9: Recognize that if plumber-tush on a teen is uncouth, flashing crack at 40 is a felony.

Resolution #10: Go ahead, drive your gigantic vehicle. Just understand that if you park it in a spot labeled "compact," the guy in the Honda Civic that had to enter his car through the window, has, in some nations, legal justification for keying your Hummer.

Resolution #11: If you are a male, deny the powerful instinct to drop your pants and press your rear up against cold glass. Yes, the sensation may be soothing to your special parts, but, contrary to popular belief, no one wants to know for sure that you're circumcised.

Resolution #12: Parents, notice that no one is laughing when your child declares that their meal out "tastes like poop," and nay a chuckle is muttered when your darling wipes his nose juice on Grandma's good tablecloth. Possibly a lesson entitled, "We are not Heathens" is in order?

Resolution #13: Newsflash: That mammal that you're sporting as an accessory is a dog, not a Fendi bag. I know this because your Fendi bag has never bit my ankle. Keep your mutt pursed-up in public.

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Judith is always cranky this time of year. Fuel her fire by sending suggestions to jprimrose@insidescv.com.
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