By I.M. Claritan
Laws can be just as petty and irritating as the people who craft them. Since they're rarely repealed, normal people tend to just overlook those laws and rules that make life unnecessarily annoying. When that doesn't work, we stand ready to heap scorn and ridicule upon those who insist on following the letter of the law too closely with their frivolous lawsuits or enforcement of obscure codes.
Reason can prevail only so long in our litigious society, though, because there are many who stand to earn money by making people pay for breaking silly rules. (At least they might seem silly if there wasn't so much money at stake.) We now consider the cost of playing by/against the rules in Santa Clarita.
Salt in the Wound
Claritans' sewer bills may soon increase by 50 percent. Under rate hikes proposed by the Sanitation District, we would be paying $24.67 per month by 2014. That's still relatively cheap - folks in Fillmore currently pay $80 each month - but the price isn't the point. Residents and elected officials alike are angry that the rate increase has been proposed to decrease chloride levels in the water we discharge. The Regional Water Quality Control Board caps the amount of chloride allowed in discharged water. The problem is that the state can supply us with water that is already full of chlorides; Santa Claritans are essentially forced to pay for salt removal from water that was too salty to begin with.
For many years, the Regional Board allowed the Sanitation District to exceed chloride limits set in 1978. However, farmers in Ventura began making a fuss that chlorides were hurting their strawberries and avocados. They want chloride levels below 100 parts per million, but it's not exactly clear why. A scientific literature review prepared for the Upper Santa Clara River Agricultural Technical Working Group declared that existing research "did not provide sufficient data to determine an appropriate Cl [chloride] threshold for irrigation water." Before we are forced pay higher sewer bills and build a $210 million salt treatment facility, meetings are set and alternative options are being considered, though they could lead to enormous fines.
McBean: The Road to Health
An inspection of a few miles of McBean Parkway suggests that the primary pastime of Santa Claritans is getting medical treatments. There's the SCV Medical Plaza with Facey Medical Group and Providence Holy Cross. There's also Henry Mayo Newhall Memorial Hospital, the expansion of which has begun, and other medical offices scattered nearby. Now, BG Capital wants to add the "Medical Pointe" offices at the corner of McBean and Singing Hills Drive.
At 57 feet, the building would be considerably taller than current zoning permits and could lead to increased traffic (shades of Newhall Memorial...). It could be argued that it's silly to let 23 feet of excess height keep a business from providing medical services and tax dollars to the people of SCV. On the other hand, adhering to zoning ordinances is important to preserving community character and quality of life, which doesn't seem silly at all. When discussed recently by the City Council, Council Member Frank Ferry said there is disinformation being spread about this and other proposed developments that he christened "developmental terrorism." He defined the term as using fear to manipulate residents into opposing projects that haven't even been formally reviewed by the City Council or City Planning Commission. Pushback against Ferry has been considerable, and it looks like development will remain a fertile area in the fight between strict and relaxed enforcement of rules.
Gelded Ponies
The legal profession has done much to remove any potential for joy and frivolity at the Santa Clarita Fourth of July Parade. Apart from mandatory waivers, the list of rules provided by parade planners reveals a fear of lawsuits (legalophobia?). Explicitly forbidden: silly string; male horses (unless they've been castrated); the tossing of candy, T-shirts, adorable stuffed animals, or anything else from floats; naughty words or political messages; walking alongside a float unless you're older than 10; and alcohol. Permitted: smiling, waves and silly hats. As Santa Clarita's oldest tradition, it's natural to wonder how things were different at the first parades in the 1930s. Then, organizers likely relied on common sense and common courtesy to avoid injuries or disruptions at the parade - not legal waivers.
In addition to the formal rules, there are a number of unofficial ones of which you should be mindful. Don't announce the arrival of every entry to your kids. They don't care. Don't sit in front of people who arrived hours before you. It makes you a bad human being. And finally, do make your friends and neighbors feel guilty for not attending the parade. Claritans have marched in it through the Great Depression, during WWII, and into a new millennium; if you heart SCV, it's your duty to keep up the tradition.
This column is intended as satire and a (sometimes successful) attempt at humor. Suggestions, catty comments and veiled threats intended for the author can be e-mailed to iheartscv@insidescv.com.