I Heart SCV
No News Here
July, 2018 - Issue #166
"One billboard even came down early. SCV YOUTHS were protected from seductive shoulders, but most were too busy looking at their phones to notice. Good thing there's nothing like that on the internet."
When is not-news, news? In the SCV, pretty often. This isn't fake news, which is at least usually interesting. It's news that just wouldn't pass muster in most other metropolises of a quarter-million people. Journalists need to write stories about something and people need to talk about something, even when that something is nothing. This phenomenon goes hand in hand with blowing things out of proportion, because Claritans excel at overreacting to whatever the news of the day happens to be. We take our lack of news very seriously indeed.

View from the Top
I challenge you to think of a more boring four words than "Parking Structure Ribbon Cutting." Yawn-worthy or not, that's exactly what happened in Newhall this May. The new high-rise - at least by SCV standards - garage opened to accommodate all those people who want to visit Newhall but who just can't find a place for their car. There are now over 370 spots! You might expect the mayor at such an event, and indeed she was there, but so too were representatives on behalf of Congressman Steve Knight, State Senator Scott Wilk and State Assemblyman Dante Acosta. Nothing brings all our politicians together quite like a big red ribbon and giant scissors.

With such fanfare for a parking structure, one can imagine what will happen when the Laemmle Theatre opens. Until then, the new parking will get you closer to restaurants, shops and the library. Mayor Weste also mentioned that the roof of the structure was its own attraction. With a great, towering view of Newhall, she suggested that it could be used for wedding receptions or retirement parties or any other fabulous event. I would suggest that you book your reservation pronto.

Think of the Children!
Worrying about your kids is the number one job of any parent. But some over-indulge in parental anxiety. Two recent cases come to mind. First, there was a teenager taking photographs after the school day at Valencia Valley Elementary. The authorities were alerted, media assembled and deputy presence increased. Statements from each of the Sheriff's Department, principal and superintendent amounted to stating that more or less nothing had actually happened, but they were very concerned about it. Suspicious behavior? Sure. Worth a week of agonizing? Perhaps not.

The second has to do with billboards for "Adult Con," a Los Angeles convention for those employed in adult entertainment. Three billboards were in town. They included women wearing heavy makeup and exposing bare shoulders. While that might be racy in Amish Country, in modern society it's downright mundane. Yet the billboards made the news and they were protested by parents, faith leaders and others concerned with what young people might see; one billboard even came down early. SCV youths were protected from seductive shoulders, but most were too busy looking at their phones to notice. Good thing there's nothing like that on the internet.

You'd Better Go
This year's Fourth of July Parade theme is "It's a Grand Old Flag." It's perfectly patriotic, perfectly nice and perfectly dull, just like the parade. As regular readers know, all of this is said out of sincere affection for the annual event. My preferred spot is around Our Lady of Perpetual Help Church, which is never too crowded and has a little bit of shade. It takes a while to find parking and the procession of cars and balloons and horses and scouts and pageant winners is about the same from year to year. So while no news is made along the parade route, I feel like a truly patriotic Claritan when I show up.

Independence Day is one of our greatest holidays and the pleasant tedium of the parade is the secret to making it feel like it goes on and on and on. Perhaps that's one of the values of talking about this and other no-news stories. It reminds us that among the occasionally-sensational headlines are long spells where Santa Clarita's story unhurriedly unfolds. Little may happen, and people may still overreact, but that's what we heart about SCV.

Attention Parade Committee Members: This column is intended as satire and a (sometimes successful) attempt at humor. Suggestions, catty comments and veiled threats intended for the author can be e-mailed to
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